Member-only story
How to Talk About Polyamory in a Monogamous World
I don’t believe in ‘the one.’
In a society where phrases like “I don’t mind if someone’s gay, as long as they don’t force it down my throat” abound, any mention of relationship structures outside hetero-monogamy are seen as other.
Monogamy is the standard, so non-monogamy is different and therefore threatening, weird, or icky.
I was chatting with a friend from work as we left a meeting about a guy I’d been on a few dates with. Another coworker overheard and asked if I thought he might be the one. I accidentally deflated her entire worldview when I said immediately, “Oh, no, I don’t believe in ‘the one.’”
To that coworker, she and her husband are soulmates and meant to be. And that is totally fine — for her. But for me, I’m non-monogamous and don’t expect to find one person who meets all my needs or who gets all their needs met by me.
I think this coworker’s head would probably explode if I tried to explain that to her. Or even if she knew I was queer. I hope she doesn’t read my book.
Discussing non-monogamy with monogamists
When the standard is monogamy, it takes work to undo the subconscious beliefs about…
