I Faked My Love Language for My Abuser’s Benefit

Caitlin Fisher
5 min readNov 23, 2019
Photo by Christiana Rivers on Unsplash

Consistently, my love language quiz results have placed words of affirmation and acts of service vying for top spot, with physical touch and quality time a distant second place tie, and gifts bringing up the rear. Today, my Facebook memories brought up a screenshot of my quiz results from 2015 with the caption, “No wonder I love it when he does the dishes!”

My results were as follows:

  • Acts of Service: 11
  • Words of Affirmation: 10
  • Physical Touch: 5
  • Quality Time: 4
  • Gifts: 0

While it’s possible to give and receive love in all five love languages, taking the quiz is a great check-in to make sure I’m honoring the easiest and most effective ways for my loved ones to show me they care.

My new results, taken four years after the previous quiz, were completely different.

  • Words of Affirmation: 9
  • Physical Touch: 7
  • Quality Time: 7
  • Acts of Service: 6
  • Receiving Gifts: 1

Why the difference?

It was easier to close off that part of myself and act like touch wasn’t an important part of making me feel connected and loved.

Four years ago, I would have taken the quiz with my partner in mind. A partner who did not provide physical touch unless I begged, a partner who only told me nice things when I was in crisis about our relationship going under, and a partner who viewed “quality time” as watching tv every night while he was allowed to be on his phone and I wasn’t.

I was stressed when I was home, because if he needed me, I dropped what I was doing to go to him. Look at this photo, do you like how I edited it? I can’t find my inhaler, can you look for it in the bed? If I was using my phone to chat with online friends, he’d make snide comments. I was isolated and any time for myself was apt to be interrupted.

I was stressed when I wasn’t home, because I worried about him needing me and me taking my time elsewhere. I’d apologize for taking…

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Caitlin Fisher

Prone to sudden bursts of encouragement. They/them. Queer, autistic author of bit.ly/GaslightingMillennials